Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Starting Over? AKA - Hitting Rock Bottom?

I lay in bed last night with a clear vision of myself infected with sin and impure beyond doubt. I have a picture of myself falling into this deep hole more like grabbing a big shovel and joyfull digging said hole. I dig deeper and deeper delighting in my own sin. I know I should stop digging. I feel the coolness of the earth. I smell the damp soil around me. I look up at the bright sky and continue my trek downward! Sometimes during this journey downhill I have literall carried buckets of soft dirt above ground so I could more easily continue my digging. Other times I haphazardly grab handfuls of the dirt and just toss it in the air bringing it down upon my hair and into my eyes.

Last night I had an interesting feeling. I was laying in bed unable to sleep. I continue to toss stones at myself in the mirror. I law with tears gathering around my eyes wondering if they will feel crusty when I wake up.

But, I have a feeling after all this digging. My hands are worn, they are sore and raw and so dirty. But finally I feel something.. it is in the bottom of my hole. It feels hard.. solid.

For a moment I wonder if I have finally dug myself straight into the depths of hell or if I have finally somehow reached the bottom of my pit. Have I hit rock bottom? Will I now begin to climb back up? Will I fill the hole with wonderous things?


Will I find a pickaxe and carry on? I constantly battle the inner me. I don't deserve to climb back up. I don't deserve to find grace and love. I lay there at the bottom of my hole.. dirty and moist and I pick at the hardness I've found. I pluck it with my fingernails and wonder what I will do next.. start my journey upwards or return with stronger tools?

This is where I want to go!

Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

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