You are such a better Christian than I am! What?

I'm having a good day today :-) I started thinking (as this blog tends to make me do) and I thought.. Why are we so hard on ourselves?

I think that "Sarah" is such a better Christian than I am! (not really because I don't know a Sarah that I can think of but bare with me.) She does her devotions every morning at 5am. before I could even begin to think of opening my eyes, much less formulating full thoughts.

or

I think that "Peggy" is such a better Christian that I am! She volunteers at the Food Bank each week and helps at the soup kitchen.

I think that "Mary" is better because she homeschools her children and somehow they all have clean clothes on every single time I see them

or I think that "Trish" is better because her husband is so loving and takes her out for a date night every Thursday!

Why do we do this to ourselves!?

Every single one of these fictitious people have struggles that we cannot see. I judge their outward appearance and/or actions against my hidden and/or secret ones. I see and think I know all. I have always been jealous of women who read the bible several times each day, pray with their family before bed and can quote you the bible in an instant. I'm not one of those women.

I have to decide how much I want to be so I can make a plan!

We must stop comparing our real and unmasked selves to the masks that we see around us each day.

You are loved!

A sign?

I suppose this could be a sign? I have been ignoring my duties? Well not ignoring them but not keeping up, that's for sure! I decided to operate on my laptop last night to attempt to clean the fan since the poor thing is always wanting to overheat on me. Well... whatever we did, we did it wrong. Now it won't cut on! So, I'm using my daughters laptop when she isn't (not often!)

I'll be around tho!

Starting Over? AKA - Hitting Rock Bottom?

I lay in bed last night with a clear vision of myself infected with sin and impure beyond doubt. I have a picture of myself falling into this deep hole more like grabbing a big shovel and joyfull digging said hole. I dig deeper and deeper delighting in my own sin. I know I should stop digging. I feel the coolness of the earth. I smell the damp soil around me. I look up at the bright sky and continue my trek downward! Sometimes during this journey downhill I have literall carried buckets of soft dirt above ground so I could more easily continue my digging. Other times I haphazardly grab handfuls of the dirt and just toss it in the air bringing it down upon my hair and into my eyes.

 

Last night I had an interesting feeling. I was laying in bed unable to sleep. I continue to toss stones at myself in the mirror. I law with tears gathering around my eyes wondering if they will feel crusty when I wake up.

But, I have a feeling after all this digging. My hands are worn, they are sore and raw and so dirty. But finally I feel something.. it is in the bottom of my hole. It feels hard.. solid.

For a moment I wonder if I have finally dug myself straight into the depths of hell or if I have finally somehow reached the bottom of my pit. Have I hit rock bottom? Will I now begin to climb back up? Will I fill the hole with wonderous things?

Or..

Will I find a pickaxe and carry on? I constantly battle the inner me. I don't deserve to climb back up. I don't deserve to find grace and love. I lay there at the bottom of my hole.. dirty and moist and I pick at the hardness I've found. I pluck it with my fingernails and wonder what I will do next.. start my journey upwards or return with stronger tools?

 

This is where I want to go!

 
Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

In the beginning..

 

^{John 8:7} When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”

 

I've read this story over and over. It comes to me in the quiet moments. It comes to me in the rushed ones as well. However, this blog is my way of overcoming my own demons and my inability to stop throwing stones at myself!